I have two requests. 1: watch the following video, try not to hurl. 2: explain to me what the hell this is and how it exists.
why isn't that the Jersey Shore theme song?
I thought the Jonas Brothers were bad, but at least they have some amount of shame. these guys just roll around in their lame boy bandness and embrace it.
but wait, did you think it couldn't get gayer? think again...
thank God some how we made it through the douche pandemic of the late 90's and early 00's. that's easily the closest we've come to the apocalypse.
ok, i need to go watch ESPN and remind myself i'm a man. later.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Extra-Alienal
I recently acquired a taste for a show called The X-files, and by "acquired a taste" I mean I became madly obsessed. great show.
It made me think about the possibility of life on other planets. I find it funny, millions and millions believe in God based on a "holy" text written 2,000 years ago, but the idea that in this vast universe there could be other intelligent life hardly gets a serious legitimate discussion. why is that? is the idea just ridiculous? have we been brainwashed by a higher governmental force? have movies of aliens who befriend small children and ride on bikes made the idea of aliens seem ludicrous? should we at least find out what planet Carrot Top came from?
the universe is huge. If there is a God that made all of it, why would he make all those galaxies and planets if he was only going to stick intelligent life on one of those planets? did God get a little carried away with his work, or was he just flexing the heavenly pecs a bit? maybe that's why Satan and God are at odds. Satan is jealous. he accidentally set his creation of fire and it still hasn't stopped burning. rather embarrassing.
UFOs I can believe, aliens sound plausible. abductions are a different story. all i'm saying is i've never heard of scientists probing the anus of a owl just to learn more about it's species. we don't practice that, why would aliens? besides aliens could watch tv and learn more about the human race than doing tests. a combination of MTV and Cinemax could explain just about everything. at least to do with the reproductive process...and the process of getting shit faced.
crop circles are interesting. too bad we can't understand what those symbols mean. probably something like "earth is gay". we're getting dissed and we don't even know it. I think we need to send a message back, and draw a huge middle finger on the moon with a special NASA designed extra large magic marker.
what i'm really trying to say is, i'm single ladies.
and I have way too much time on my hands.
It made me think about the possibility of life on other planets. I find it funny, millions and millions believe in God based on a "holy" text written 2,000 years ago, but the idea that in this vast universe there could be other intelligent life hardly gets a serious legitimate discussion. why is that? is the idea just ridiculous? have we been brainwashed by a higher governmental force? have movies of aliens who befriend small children and ride on bikes made the idea of aliens seem ludicrous? should we at least find out what planet Carrot Top came from?
the universe is huge. If there is a God that made all of it, why would he make all those galaxies and planets if he was only going to stick intelligent life on one of those planets? did God get a little carried away with his work, or was he just flexing the heavenly pecs a bit? maybe that's why Satan and God are at odds. Satan is jealous. he accidentally set his creation of fire and it still hasn't stopped burning. rather embarrassing.
UFOs I can believe, aliens sound plausible. abductions are a different story. all i'm saying is i've never heard of scientists probing the anus of a owl just to learn more about it's species. we don't practice that, why would aliens? besides aliens could watch tv and learn more about the human race than doing tests. a combination of MTV and Cinemax could explain just about everything. at least to do with the reproductive process...and the process of getting shit faced.
crop circles are interesting. too bad we can't understand what those symbols mean. probably something like "earth is gay". we're getting dissed and we don't even know it. I think we need to send a message back, and draw a huge middle finger on the moon with a special NASA designed extra large magic marker.
what i'm really trying to say is, i'm single ladies.
and I have way too much time on my hands.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Back To My Outlet
ok, so it has been awhile. luckily I never had many readers, so I know I wasn't missed by anybody.
the reasons for my absence? that's a good question, confused man in my head. well, it started with a burn out on writing. yes, even I (your friendly neighborhood bored nerd) can get burned out on writing. I was running out of topics and for some reason thought this blog needed to be War And Peace in blog form.
then I got busy with school (college)[community college...yeah]
Lastly, I was going through a bit of a dilemma. I have dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian when I get the chance. many times I wanted to write things in here but hesitated because I thought "what if i want to use that in my act? should i just give it away for free on a blog? what if someone steals my material from this blog?" I don't smoke pot, but I am paranoid like a pothead.
anyway, I can't help but have an outlet for my writing, so I came back. much like Jesus. only instead of turning water into wine, I turn wine into water. I'm not as much of a hit at parties as Mr.Christ.
the reasons for my absence? that's a good question, confused man in my head. well, it started with a burn out on writing. yes, even I (your friendly neighborhood bored nerd) can get burned out on writing. I was running out of topics and for some reason thought this blog needed to be War And Peace in blog form.
then I got busy with school (college)[community college...yeah]
Lastly, I was going through a bit of a dilemma. I have dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian when I get the chance. many times I wanted to write things in here but hesitated because I thought "what if i want to use that in my act? should i just give it away for free on a blog? what if someone steals my material from this blog?" I don't smoke pot, but I am paranoid like a pothead.
anyway, I can't help but have an outlet for my writing, so I came back. much like Jesus. only instead of turning water into wine, I turn wine into water. I'm not as much of a hit at parties as Mr.Christ.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Time Wasters
the internet generation of the new millennium is an amazing one. we waste time on stupid things like the 70's generation boogyed 'till they couldn't boogy no more. we don't just waste time, we have made it into an art form. seriously, if a different hobo was given a dollar for every hour that I have spent watching Mr. T and/or kitten related videos on youtube, there would be no homeless people in the world.
I have literally spent an hour of my life on David Hasselhoff's wikipedia page. I wasn't writing a report about him or anything. I was just there.
that's right, my generation isn't preaching free love and protesting a war in vietnam but we could tell you a lot of useless information about Gary Busey. did you know he was in Predator 2?
sure, there are some of us inventing things useful to society and curing life endangering diseases, but I think I speak for everyone else when I say to them... cut it out, you're making the rest of us look bad. if you keep doing useful things, me sitting on my ass all day googling random things that float into my hollow skull looks bad. keep the bar low and we won't have a problem.
I'm just kidding of course, but seriously if you do discover a cure for cancer don't expect me to watch the press conference announcement. I'm busy. watching the world's most ridiculous and maybe slightly disturbed couple dance down the aisle to a Chris Brown song (I'm guessing all of Ike Turner's songs just weren't catchy enough for them?).
anyway, I have to go watch this video of a baby laughing for the 17,000 time. so that's all for now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk
I have literally spent an hour of my life on David Hasselhoff's wikipedia page. I wasn't writing a report about him or anything. I was just there.
that's right, my generation isn't preaching free love and protesting a war in vietnam but we could tell you a lot of useless information about Gary Busey. did you know he was in Predator 2?
sure, there are some of us inventing things useful to society and curing life endangering diseases, but I think I speak for everyone else when I say to them... cut it out, you're making the rest of us look bad. if you keep doing useful things, me sitting on my ass all day googling random things that float into my hollow skull looks bad. keep the bar low and we won't have a problem.
I'm just kidding of course, but seriously if you do discover a cure for cancer don't expect me to watch the press conference announcement. I'm busy. watching the world's most ridiculous and maybe slightly disturbed couple dance down the aisle to a Chris Brown song (I'm guessing all of Ike Turner's songs just weren't catchy enough for them?).
anyway, I have to go watch this video of a baby laughing for the 17,000 time. so that's all for now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Hair
hair is a subject very near to my heart being the post-pubescent male that I am and having hair on nearly every part of my body (except my chest. damnit!)
too much hair can be a bad a thing. just look at sasquatch. he let his locks get a little out of control and now he's exiled from civilization. sure there are some perks to that. he gets to be naked and go to the bathroom wherever he wants, but we all do that sometimes. it's called being drunk. so really when it comes to hair, less is more.
I believe the term "hairy situation" was first used when someone got into a bad situation with the Italian mafia.
no one should ever get picked on because of their hair. hair does not make the man. just look at all the great men in history. none are remembered only because of their hair. you'll never hear someone say, "yeah, he freed the slaves blah blah blah, what's really important is how much armpit hair Abe Lincoln had". although if Lincoln had a mullet our pennies and one dollar bills would definitely be ruined. all freeing the slaves in the front, but all party in the back!
that's about all I have to say. enjoy picturing Abe Lincoln as a Nascar fan.
too much hair can be a bad a thing. just look at sasquatch. he let his locks get a little out of control and now he's exiled from civilization. sure there are some perks to that. he gets to be naked and go to the bathroom wherever he wants, but we all do that sometimes. it's called being drunk. so really when it comes to hair, less is more.
I believe the term "hairy situation" was first used when someone got into a bad situation with the Italian mafia.
no one should ever get picked on because of their hair. hair does not make the man. just look at all the great men in history. none are remembered only because of their hair. you'll never hear someone say, "yeah, he freed the slaves blah blah blah, what's really important is how much armpit hair Abe Lincoln had". although if Lincoln had a mullet our pennies and one dollar bills would definitely be ruined. all freeing the slaves in the front, but all party in the back!
that's about all I have to say. enjoy picturing Abe Lincoln as a Nascar fan.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sight
My first topical humorous exploration (as Columbus would have called it) hope you enjoy:
If sight is ever taken away from someone they usually remember all the good things they miss seeing. sunsets, flowers, the faces of loved ones. however, if I were ever blinded I would try to be positive and remember all the bad things I won't have to see anymore. like fanny packs, mullets, and Crocs (anyone who wears these should be fed to crocodiles, for shear irony and delight for those who witness it). there could of course be a downside to this. douchebags are something you would normally be happy to not have to see anymore, but the most effective way to avoid a douchebag is to spot one from a distance and keep safely away from them. how could you do that if you have no sight? you would have to resort mostly to smell for this. which isn't quite as effective.
also, if you get an eye poked out somehow, don't get an eye patch. I'm sure your friends would love it because they would get to pretend they were friends with a pirate from then on, but there is a downside. an eye patch makes it very difficult to get and keep a job. there are not many employers wanting employees who are giving off that James Bond villain vibe. it's bad for morale. you don't want this to happen:
"I'm sorry Bill, but we're gonna have to let you go. here at Denny's we can't have our servers frightening the customers. that eye patch is scaring people when you serve grand slams. plus you never notice when someone is ready to order on the left side of the room."
not to mention if you get an eye patch getting a cat is pretty much out of the question. unless you want all your dinner guests to giggle uncontrollably while you pet it.
some people regain sight after losing it. others gain it for the first time because of a medical procedure. if that ever happened to me I'd have to have some fun with my family when I could first see and looked at them for the first time.
"Oh God! That's what you people look like?! what am I then? Good Lord!!" (complete with grimaces and a scared look on my face)
Ok, I can see you're getting tired of this subject. so that is where I'll conclude. sight is wonderful though. cherish it.
If sight is ever taken away from someone they usually remember all the good things they miss seeing. sunsets, flowers, the faces of loved ones. however, if I were ever blinded I would try to be positive and remember all the bad things I won't have to see anymore. like fanny packs, mullets, and Crocs (anyone who wears these should be fed to crocodiles, for shear irony and delight for those who witness it). there could of course be a downside to this. douchebags are something you would normally be happy to not have to see anymore, but the most effective way to avoid a douchebag is to spot one from a distance and keep safely away from them. how could you do that if you have no sight? you would have to resort mostly to smell for this. which isn't quite as effective.
also, if you get an eye poked out somehow, don't get an eye patch. I'm sure your friends would love it because they would get to pretend they were friends with a pirate from then on, but there is a downside. an eye patch makes it very difficult to get and keep a job. there are not many employers wanting employees who are giving off that James Bond villain vibe. it's bad for morale. you don't want this to happen:
"I'm sorry Bill, but we're gonna have to let you go. here at Denny's we can't have our servers frightening the customers. that eye patch is scaring people when you serve grand slams. plus you never notice when someone is ready to order on the left side of the room."
not to mention if you get an eye patch getting a cat is pretty much out of the question. unless you want all your dinner guests to giggle uncontrollably while you pet it.
some people regain sight after losing it. others gain it for the first time because of a medical procedure. if that ever happened to me I'd have to have some fun with my family when I could first see and looked at them for the first time.
"Oh God! That's what you people look like?! what am I then? Good Lord!!" (complete with grimaces and a scared look on my face)
Ok, I can see you're getting tired of this subject. so that is where I'll conclude. sight is wonderful though. cherish it.
Challenging Myself
I find that I am not satisfied exactly with how skilled (or rather unskilled) of a writer I am at this point. so what I am going to do is challenge myself in order to hopefully make me a better writer/comedian. I am going to pick a topic with no pre-existing material or ideas pertaining to that topic and try to write as much material (humorous) as I can about it.
I am not sure if this will be a failure or enjoyable for you to read, but I was thinking i would post the results on each topic on my blog to see what you think. I am hoping it will improve my ability to be creative, notice small details, and think things out. which will in turn make me a better writer. hope you enjoy what i write in the future.
5. difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.
I am not sure if this will be a failure or enjoyable for you to read, but I was thinking i would post the results on each topic on my blog to see what you think. I am hoping it will improve my ability to be creative, notice small details, and think things out. which will in turn make me a better writer. hope you enjoy what i write in the future.
chal⋅lenge
–noun5. difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.
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