Sight

My first topical humorous exploration (as Columbus would have called it) hope you enjoy:

If sight is ever taken away from someone they usually remember all the good things they miss seeing. sunsets, flowers, the faces of loved ones. however, if I were ever blinded I would try to be positive and remember all the bad things I won't have to see anymore. like fanny packs, mullets, and Crocs (anyone who wears these should be fed to crocodiles, for shear irony and delight for those who witness it). there could of course be a downside to this. douchebags are something you would normally be happy to not have to see anymore, but the most effective way to avoid a douchebag is to spot one from a distance and keep safely away from them. how could you do that if you have no sight? you would have to resort mostly to smell for this. which isn't quite as effective.

also, if you get an eye poked out somehow, don't get an eye patch. I'm sure your friends would love it because they would get to pretend they were friends with a pirate from then on, but there is a downside. an eye patch makes it very difficult to get and keep a job. there are not many employers wanting employees who are giving off that James Bond villain vibe. it's bad for morale. you don't want this to happen:
"I'm sorry Bill, but we're gonna have to let you go. here at Denny's we can't have our servers frightening the customers. that eye patch is scaring people when you serve grand slams. plus you never notice when someone is ready to order on the left side of the room."

not to mention if you get an eye patch getting a cat is pretty much out of the question. unless you want all your dinner guests to giggle uncontrollably while you pet it.

some people regain sight after losing it. others gain it for the first time because of a medical procedure. if that ever happened to me I'd have to have some fun with my family when I could first see and looked at them for the first time.
"Oh God! That's what you people look like?! what am I then? Good Lord!!" (complete with grimaces and a scared look on my face)

Ok, I can see you're getting tired of this subject. so that is where I'll conclude. sight is wonderful though. cherish it.

Challenging Myself

I find that I am not satisfied exactly with how skilled (or rather unskilled) of a writer I am at this point. so what I am going to do is challenge myself in order to hopefully make me a better writer/comedian. I am going to pick a topic with no pre-existing material or ideas pertaining to that topic and try to write as much material (humorous) as I can about it.

I am not sure if this will be a failure or enjoyable for you to read, but I was thinking i would post the results on each topic on my blog to see what you think. I am hoping it will improve my ability to be creative, notice small details, and think things out. which will in turn make me a better writer. hope you enjoy what i write in the future.

chal⋅lenge

–noun
5. difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.

Take a Breath

It's easy to get pulled into politics. the shouting matches. the lies. the grudge matches that often seem to occur between democrat loyalists and republican loyalists. they happen on tv 24 hours a day and saturate the internet. I have found myself getting caught up in them. angry, flustered, and with a pounding headache.

but I think it's important that we don't let these politicians ruin life. we shouldn't let their agendas poison our lives. just take a breath and look at something like this


if someone falls down don't be afraid to laugh because he's black and you might be called a racist, or because he's white and you might be accused of reverse racism. laugh because it's funny. if I fall, I want others to laugh. at least someone should feel good because of my face hitting tile floor, even if I don't at the time.

turn off the cable news every once and a while and just put those bugles snacks on your each of your fingers and pretend your a witch. "I'll get you my pretty, and you're little dog too!!HAHAHA!"

I'm not saying don't participate in politics all together. vote. know what's happening. but don't let it kill you. don't let it kill your sense of humor. without a sense of humor there are things people can't get through. with it, see if you can break me.

MonaLisaBall

Slamball. ever heard of it? if you haven't you're missing out. because it's indeed as awesome as the description of it sounds. it's like basketball on trampolines and you can hit people.

if God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th then that's impressive....but he didn't come up with basketball on trampolines! i think Jesus Christ is in heaven thinking, "I turned water into wine, but i wish i had come up with Slamball. THEN everyone would have known i was the son of God."

Slamball is the greatest achievement of this era. it's like this generation's Mona Lisa. it's beautiful, elegant, and i believe a national treasure. in fact i'm so thrilled with basketball on trampolines i think we should have other sports on them. bowling on trampolines (could be messy and dangerous, but still amazing). baseball on trampolines would be exciting ("and he hits a high fly ball, it lands just behind 2nd base and...it bounces out of the park for a homerun!"). i would say diving with trampolines instead of water but i doubt we could get anyone to sign the necessary forms. there would be a lot of neck injuries.

if by my description and praise you don't believe this sport is a national triumph similar to the moon landing then watch this video. and i hope you're already wearing a diaper because you'll probably piss yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ouXw328WYI

Pearl

wow. my fake end of the world counter was supposed to be fun, but now it just reminds me of how quickly i'm dying...but i digress.

i recently read Born Standing Up by Steve Martin and as everyone who has read it and maybe a few who haven't but want to sound smart has said, it's a great read. i read it on a two week vacation i went on. because my life of tv watching and videogames can get quite stressful (not to mention the thumb cramps! oh God!!).

i stayed at my grandmother's house. she is not willing to pay 16 bucks a month for cable. i guess when you're ninety years old and lived through the great depression and everything you can get away with that.

i am about to start college in around a month. some people have been concerned i might binge drink when i get there. don't worry. i'm not stupid. i'm gonna stick to black tar heroin.
...so no need to worry.

and in a somewhat related story, the title for this is in fact a reference to the Janis Joplin album of the same name.
free love man. keep groovin'.