Ready Or Not

I've been staying up until at least 4 AM every night since I have no job (yeah, I'm a bum.) and have been out of school for at least a couple of weeks now, with a couple more left before it starts again. I'm not sure it that's insomnia but it's definitely not sleeping. I am one of the most sleep deprived people in the world that wakes up at noon every day.

Another thing keeping me up at night is Stephen King's On Writing. Thanks to him I've never felt as prepared, equipped, and enthusiastic about my writing. I always needed a little bit of guidance but didn't really have anyone to look to. Thanks to some of King's "telepathy" I feel quite optimistic about writing. I recommend it to any aspiring writers, those who write fiction especially. One thing thing often repeated in that book (And I'm sure any book about writing.) is that the only way to improve, the only way to get better, is to do it. A lot. It's the same with stand up comedy. You can talk about, read about it, watch it, but if you haven't done it, you're still at square one essentially. So all you struggling writers out there, just keep at it. And have fun.

In other news, I don't have a single class before noon this upcoming semester. Thank God for online classes. So maybe (Just maybe.) I'll be better about updating this thing. Somebody's got to waste space on this thing called the internet. Why not me?

Until next time my dear vacuums.

Disteaser

It's been a while, I'm sure all three of you missed me. How long has it been? A month since my last post. I still work harder than Congress. That's really saying something. That's like saying, "Hey, I have fewer STDs than most porn stars!" Which, ladies, is true for me, by the way. Unfortunately, I have the same amount of self respect. You know that old saying, "Nothing good happens after midnight,"? This is proof of that. Why am I drinking V8 Splash and Coca-Cola at the same time?

The main reason I am making this post is to let the voices in my head know that I will try to make more posts in this blog. So, this is kind of like a teaser. Only to be a teaser their should really be some sort of pay off in the end. That's not going to happen here. This is more like foreplay leading to a discussion about economics. Unless you're into that kind of thing. I'm not judging.

I better stop now, before this turns into something really weird.

The Night After Halloween

I woke up this morning. Orange juice and Kit Kats, The Breakfast of Champions. You know, I think my gorilla mask went over well around the neighborhood. I hope no one took it as a racial thing.

My parents turned their lights off, closed the curtains, and hid from trick or treaters again this year. I guess when it comes to trick or treat, my parents kind of made the choice for those kids in advance. They stopped giving out candy a long time ago. Sometime in between the beginning of the Iraq war and when people started to realize maybe we shouldn't have started the Iraq war. Good thing Mississippi is the fattest state in the country, those kids have got fat stored up, so they won't miss any of my parents' candy. Mississippi is also a leader in teen pregnancy. That's not really related to Halloween, I just like dropping that into conversations. You're welcome Mississippi *pervy wink*.

I didn't really watch any scary movies this Halloween, unless the Joy Behar Show counts.

Due to the recession I was only able to sacrifice two lambs this year. Thanks a lot Obama!

I bet I know what costume Christine O'Donnell did not wear this year.

That it is all for now. Goodnight.

Christine O'Donnell - Which

So, apparently Christine O'Donnell (Delaware senate candidate) is me, er, you, or all of us? It seems Ms. O'Donnell has moved on from witchcraft to the ways of the Jedi. ("I am not the witch you're looking for.")

It's true we do have witchcraft in common (I learned it from Harry Potter books.) but she's me? If she's me does that make me her? And if so, why I am I so crazy?

This is the most confusing political campaign from a candidate since Taft gave out free mustache rides during his run for president. What made that confusing? He made everyone do Sudoku while they rode.

In a paper during the primary she said she "heard the audible voice of God." Wow, that must be driving her crazy. We all know how God can be a little long winded sometimes (see The Old and New Testaments.) I can't imagine what that's like. I mean I'm going crazy myself, and that's just because every time I turn on my TV it seems I hear the audible voice of Christine O'Donnell.

But best of luck to her, this is after all the first time I've remembered Delaware was a state in about 7 seven years. So she accomplished that.

Mental Roadblock

Here's the really great thing about being a writer (of comedy, stories, poetry, whatever) when you have a day off or in my case a whole weekend to, you know, write, it can be really exciting. The only thing is though, your brain doesn't always take correct instruction. I have a perfect opportunity to create a substantial amount of work but instead my brain is saying, "Ah, forget all of that creative writing stuff, look an Entourage marathon!"

I just spent an entire day thinking about how I should really write something. Now there's how you make a career for yourself, thinking about working!

What's worse is, anytime I actually do seem to have some inspiration strong enough to put pen to paper (or in most cases, fingers to keyboard) It's only to write about how I can't write anything. Which is real, but feels a lot like pandering to a specific audience. Namely other writers, who have of course at one point or another experienced the beast known as writer's block.

So, although by posting this I've done nothing to substantially improve my situation, I have vented my frustrations as any 21st century man born into a reasonably stable financial situation would, by blogging. Oh, how I loathe my trendiness. If I were writing this in a coffee shop I'd probably stab myself in the eye with that little plastic stirrer they give you with coffee.

Why is inspiration always hiding in a house of mirrors? Difficult to find and easy to lose.

Anyway, enough of this pity party, I'll get the mental engines running soon...hopefully. It's a good thing I like Ramen noodles and soup.
Signing off. Best of writing, friends.

I Want You To Want Me

I have a need to be liked. Pretty much all of the time. I want to be liked in my career, my social life, and especially on twitter. But to an extent who doesn't? Everyone wants to be liked, or at least they want to be liked a little. Kurt Cobain probably wanted to be liked, but then too many people liked him. He was an inspiration though and people still like his music.

Teenage girls REALLY want to be liked, so much so, that they even say the word "like" frequently to put the idea of liking them in your head, thus making you hate them.

One time when I said "Turn off the light" my friend thought I said "Turn off the like." He's like stupid.

To "Like" something on facebook means to show your affection for a person, place, or thing on your page. Which is great because I can see how many of my friends "like" the band Nickelback and swiftly not be friends with them anymore.

Some people find the word "Like" annoying and cringe a little on the inside when someone is using the word "Like" too much. I am one of those people, that's why I don't like myself right now.

You might be wondering by this point, if you're still reading, what is the reason for this post? I don't know. Maybe it was all the times I've heard of parents who found their kids smoking and then they made them smoke the whole pack at once so they wouldn't want to do it again.

So, like, smoke the whole pack bitch and stop saying like so much!

A Sense of Confusion

Lately things haven't been as in order in my brain as they used to be. Sure, I'm still slowly grinding the gears forward as I plot out different stories and books that I will write someday in the future (probably after 2012. Why start now and have the world end, am I right?) but I lack mental tidiness these days.

When I am thirsty and go to the fridge I can barely decide whether to have soda or milk (although soda usually wins somehow). When it gets to be late at night I can't decide whether I should go to sleep now or stay up. When it comes to actually writing any portion of any of the story outlines I've come up with recently, I can't decide which to start on.

I am literally a mass of Caucasian confusion.

Although, I dread the end of summer as it creeps nearer and nearer, I do almost invite the return to involuntary order. I won't have a busy schedule even then, but there will be set times when I have to be at school. Set times when I have to wake up, and therefore set times when I have to go to sleep in order to not be a walking zombie when I wake up at the set time when I have to.

So maybe, I can't believe I'm saying this, school (and later work) is necessary for someone like me. I am kind of looking forward to August 23 when I start back, I'll be bored, tired, and have less time to write, but at least I'll be a bit more functioning.

Thank you for reading and don't do drugs kids....or do them. I don't really care. Just don't blame me or eat all my Doritos.

Traffic Violation

I recently got pulled over by the police while I was driving (as opposed to when I was sailing). I would like to act really indignant at being pulled over but to be fair I was flinging babies out the window as I went...so it was kind of understandable.

No, actually what happened is there were two cops standing on the side of the road by their cruisers, blue lights flashing, at night I might add, and they apparently thought I almost hit them when I went into the left lane to go around them. And when two cops think you almost hit them with your car, surprisingly, they get angry!

So we had a nice little meeting, and by "nice little meeting" I mean, they yelled various profanities at me for 15 minutes while I apologized over and over again like a little bitch...but now I'm talking about them on my blog so...I think I got my street cred back. OG 4 Lyfe.

They ended up giving me a ticket for "careless driving" because I didn't hit a cop with my car, but they think I almost did. I didn't know I could get a ticket for that.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"40?"
"yeah, and that's almost 52, which would be speeding, here's your ticket!"

But maybe I'm wrong, the only shows I watch that could be considered similar to cop shows are The X-Files and Law & Order: SVU. So unless I ever get raped by a shape-shifter I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

4th of July

It seems 4th of July is upon us once again. A time for many to gorge on meat and drink beer, all in the name of freedom. Yeah, it doesn't make too much since to me either but neither does Easter.

You might be asking out loud to the computer screen right now (Because no one is around but your three cats. And you know only one of them will judge you. And it just so happens he's the one being put down in a few days anyway due to cat leukemia.) "What's your plans for the 4th of July, oh mysterious blogger?"

My plans? I am going to spend my time pretending the popping sound I hear outside is gunshots because the idea that there could be people outside my window having an old west style shootout is more comforting to me than the idea that happy people are shooting explosions into the sky so they can see a pretty light show. You might be saying, "Gee, that sounds depressing. Why don't you be more optimistic? Look on the bright side?"

Maybe the bright side isn't so good. Maybe the bright side makes you go blind and gives you terminal skin cancer. Personally I prefer the dark side. We have better jokes...and from what I hear, cookies.

But don't let depressing ole me piss on your parade. By all means, have a happy fourth. I'll be in my dark corner wondering how Tom Waits growls like that all the time and doesn't go through cough drops like Courtney Love through bad decisions.

"Misery's The River Of The World"

Book Titles

Recently I sat down and attempted to come up with book ideas and titles for a nonfiction book to write. I knew it had to be something I had experience or knowledge in and the titles that came to mind reveal how pathetic my life is. so for your entertainment, here they are:

-Why I'm Alone: Explorations Into Isolation

-How To Get Laid: I'm a Virgin, So I Should Know

-How Do I Smell? (I try not bathing for an extended period of time and note results.)

-I Wanted To Name This The Bible But My Publisher Said That Wasn't Funny

-My Mustache, Your Mustache, Three Mustache, Four

Maybe I should just stick with unemployment.

Dual Survival - Singular Idea

Discovery channel is innovative. And you know what, Discovery channel knows what you like. And you know what else? Discovery channel has a new show. I can only imagine the scene in some shiny, expensive-looking room in a skyscraper where the execs at Discovery channel drummed up the idea for their latest smash(yet educational) hit.

"ok, are we all here? Good. We need a new show to add to our summer lineup. Any ideas?"
"Well, Survivorman was a huge success, that was about a guy out in the wilderness surviving the elements. Then Man Vs. Wild was really successful, that was about a guy out in the wilderness surviving the elements....hey, why don't we make a show about being out in the wilderness and surviving the elements, except we put TWO guys out there?"
"That's a great idea!"

And that ladies and gentleman must have been how "Dual Survival" was created. Oh, but there's more. See, one guy is a long-haired, bare foot walking, hippie and the other is a meat eating, American, hard-nose. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "Well, if they added a baby it would be a perfect sitcom." That's correct and congratulations for being as messed up in the head as I am to automatically recognize a good opportunity for a bad sitcom.

I am looking forward to what Discovery channel comes up with next. Maybe a show about a young couple that have to survive in the wilderness....but then their nosy parents show up! Oh my God! Watch as hilarity ensues!

Cracker Barrel (Cracker Being The Key Word)

There is always a moment on trips with my family where everything starts to go wrong. that moment is always when someone says, "Hey, there's Cracker Barrel."

In case you don't know what Cracker Barrel is, it's like if you started a restaurant, you bought a building and hired cooks and waitresses. You bought tables and silverware and made a nice little parking lot. And then you had Larry The Cable Guy come in and just vomit all over the place. That's Cracker Barrel.

Now, as a white person I am somewhat comfortable around relatively large groups of white people, but even I am a little startled and slightly frightened by the ratio of white people to non-white people in Cracker Barrels. I believe I now understand what the Cracker Barrel name means though.

Cracker Barrel --- Barrel full of Crackers --- Building full of Crackers eating

Dear God. I believe I've broken the code. This is just like The Da Vinci Code. Only Tom Hanks won't return my phone calls and unlike Dan Brown, priests like me (mostly for my youthful cheekbones).

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I should have known a blog post at 1:30 Am about Cracker Barrel would only lead to bad things.

The Junk Shot

As the oil leak in the gulf of mexico continues to follow what Mr. Jagger commanded back in the day to "Paint it Black", BP is rushing to find a solution to stop it. their techniques to stop it include: "The Top Hat", "Double Pipe", "The Junk Shot", and "The Relief Well"(source). BP is yet to come up with a solution that does not sound like a sexual position that girls won't do with me.

The good news is that inventors have now successfully created the first car that runs on water, technically that water is now around 75% oil, but still I'd say that is quite an accomplishment.

Women's Day/Sharks Battle Squids

International Women's Day is on Monday, so you know what that means- put the toilet seat down, pop Sex In the City: The Movie in the Dvd player, and warm up those vocal chords because it's time to party!

Sure, I thought International Women's Day was on February 14th every year, but apparently March 8 is officially the day for ladies everywhere. It originally began during the early 20th century as women were attempting to gain equality in the workplace and in every other field they felt discriminated in (except the killing spiders field. lucky us). I don't know how you celebrate this great holiday, but I personally commemorate this blessed day by tucking my junk between my legs and singing my favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I always do that when I get drunk...

In other news, scientists say sharks are apparently migrating to have undersea battles with giant squid. I know that sounds more like the plot of a Syfy channel original movie but it's actually true. check out the article here. less cheesy dialog in the article than on Syfy unfortunately.

Puppy Love

I don't want you to think that I added a picture of a dog with glasses at the top of my page to attract attention and blog readers through it's cuteness or something. in fact that dog has no soul and will eat your babies. he wears those glasses to see the fear in your eyes as he reaches inside of your chest and rips whatever organ he feels first from your body. he makes you look at it and then as you breath your last breathe he laughs a maniacal laugh which sounds from the spot where your body lay lifeless all the way to the deepest depths of hell. it's quite sinister actually.
he's also related to Paris Hilton's dog Tinkerbell.

7 Month Reunion

I graduated from high school last year. I (pretty much) liked all my classmates and enjoyed having them as fellow students for the three years I had been there. However, now when I run into them at my college or around town something feels weird. I don't feel an urge to "catch up". sure it has not been long since graduation, and there really is little to catch up on, but it seems like the feelings should be there. I feel sort of bad, brushing my old friends off after a brief "hello" and smile, but it's like I don't want a long conversation with them. Like I have counted them as the past already and engaging in conversation with them would be looking back when I need to be looking forward.

My classmates held a reunion of sorts a little while back. It had been less then a year since graduation and I thought it was silly to have one so soon. what did we have to talk about? I didn't go. I don't how many actually did attend, although in my mind almost everyone was there, except of course me. I am fairly introverted and don't have much of a liking for pointless small talk or useless chatter. I like important information or things that make me laugh and I like my thoughts to my self. Maybe that makes me silly instead of the reunion but it is how I have always been. having no desire to fake enthusiasm for an hour or so and not having accomplished anything to give me something to mention to them; It seemed pointless and more like a chore than an enjoyable meet and greet.

I'm not really sure how to end this post or what I expect anyone who may read this to take away from it. I think this is something that was just infesting my mind and something I needed to let out through some means. My writing is helping me to understand myself much better than ever before. Regardless of money that is a great reward for authorship.

New Blog

I just started a new blog to have all my fictional writing on it. http://ejfictional.blogspot.com/ . mixing in fictional work within this blog would not have felt right. this is where my thoughts are released, the other blog will be where my creativity is released.

there is nothing on it as I type this, but hopefully soon I will have something on there for you to read. until then, follow it or something...and get ready!

Things Happen

A lot has happened since my last blog post on here. I found a new love- books. sure I'd read them before but that was involuntarily at school. reading a book at my own pace; a book of my choosing, I found was a lot more fun. of course Christmas happened (I got deodorant again. Mom, Dad, I get it okay!?!) and also a new year began. for most people new year's day is when they contemplate their life and make decisions that will supposedly affect that life. I did no such thing. I went so far as to not even watch the ball drop. It was just another day to me. just another midnight.

However, recently I believe I have begun a sort of transformation of my own. My new found passion for books opened a new world to me and a new idea for a career. Since I was about 14 stand-up comedy was my dream and one I was fully prepared to go after. however now the idea of being a writer...of books, seemed like something I should at least consider. So I sat down one night and tried to think of ideas, plots, and characters for a book. to my surprise it was a lot of fun just sitting there orchestrating and thinking out this story. I kick myself for not having thought of this possible career path earlier and following the alarming trend among teenagers of viewing books as boring and uncool.

Stand-up comedy is still a love of mine, and could still be the career I end up pursuing but being a writer thrills me at the moment. The endless possibilities excite me. I could write anything. drama, thriller, horror, comedy, anything. I wasn't bound by what others found funny. Not having to stand up in front of a group of drunks and humiliate my self on a regular basis also sounds nice.

anyway, expect more posts here. I need practice writing and whether or not anyone reads this doesn't matter. I just need practice, practice, practice and this is where that will happen.