Explain This To Me

I have two requests. 1: watch the following video, try not to hurl. 2: explain to me what the hell this is and how it exists.



why isn't that the Jersey Shore theme song?

I thought the Jonas Brothers were bad, but at least they have some amount of shame. these guys just roll around in their lame boy bandness and embrace it.

but wait, did you think it couldn't get gayer? think again...


thank God some how we made it through the douche pandemic of the late 90's and early 00's. that's easily the closest we've come to the apocalypse.

ok, i need to go watch ESPN and remind myself i'm a man. later.

Extra-Alienal

I recently acquired a taste for a show called The X-files, and by "acquired a taste" I mean I became madly obsessed. great show.

It made me think about the possibility of life on other planets. I find it funny, millions and millions believe in God based on a "holy" text written 2,000 years ago, but the idea that in this vast universe there could be other intelligent life hardly gets a serious legitimate discussion. why is that? is the idea just ridiculous? have we been brainwashed by a higher governmental force? have movies of aliens who befriend small children and ride on bikes made the idea of aliens seem ludicrous? should we at least find out what planet Carrot Top came from?

the universe is huge. If there is a God that made all of it, why would he make all those galaxies and planets if he was only going to stick intelligent life on one of those planets? did God get a little carried away with his work, or was he just flexing the heavenly pecs a bit? maybe that's why Satan and God are at odds. Satan is jealous. he accidentally set his creation of fire and it still hasn't stopped burning. rather embarrassing.

UFOs I can believe, aliens sound plausible. abductions are a different story. all i'm saying is i've never heard of scientists probing the anus of a owl just to learn more about it's species. we don't practice that, why would aliens? besides aliens could watch tv and learn more about the human race than doing tests. a combination of MTV and Cinemax could explain just about everything. at least to do with the reproductive process...and the process of getting shit faced.

crop circles are interesting. too bad we can't understand what those symbols mean. probably something like "earth is gay". we're getting dissed and we don't even know it. I think we need to send a message back, and draw a huge middle finger on the moon with a special NASA designed extra large magic marker.

what i'm really trying to say is, i'm single ladies.
and I have way too much time on my hands.

Back To My Outlet

ok, so it has been awhile. luckily I never had many readers, so I know I wasn't missed by anybody.

the reasons for my absence? that's a good question, confused man in my head. well, it started with a burn out on writing. yes, even I (your friendly neighborhood bored nerd) can get burned out on writing. I was running out of topics and for some reason thought this blog needed to be War And Peace in blog form.

then I got busy with school (college)[community college...yeah]

Lastly, I was going through a bit of a dilemma. I have dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian when I get the chance. many times I wanted to write things in here but hesitated because I thought "what if i want to use that in my act? should i just give it away for free on a blog? what if someone steals my material from this blog?" I don't smoke pot, but I am paranoid like a pothead.

anyway, I can't help but have an outlet for my writing, so I came back. much like Jesus. only instead of turning water into wine, I turn wine into water. I'm not as much of a hit at parties as Mr.Christ.

Time Wasters

the internet generation of the new millennium is an amazing one. we waste time on stupid things like the 70's generation boogyed 'till they couldn't boogy no more. we don't just waste time, we have made it into an art form. seriously, if a different hobo was given a dollar for every hour that I have spent watching Mr. T and/or kitten related videos on youtube, there would be no homeless people in the world.

I have literally spent an hour of my life on David Hasselhoff's wikipedia page. I wasn't writing a report about him or anything. I was just there.

that's right, my generation isn't preaching free love and protesting a war in vietnam but we could tell you a lot of useless information about Gary Busey. did you know he was in Predator 2?

sure, there are some of us inventing things useful to society and curing life endangering diseases, but I think I speak for everyone else when I say to them... cut it out, you're making the rest of us look bad. if you keep doing useful things, me sitting on my ass all day googling random things that float into my hollow skull looks bad. keep the bar low and we won't have a problem.

I'm just kidding of course, but seriously if you do discover a cure for cancer don't expect me to watch the press conference announcement. I'm busy. watching the world's most ridiculous and maybe slightly disturbed couple dance down the aisle to a Chris Brown song (I'm guessing all of Ike Turner's songs just weren't catchy enough for them?).

anyway, I have to go watch this video of a baby laughing for the 17,000 time. so that's all for now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

Hair

hair is a subject very near to my heart being the post-pubescent male that I am and having hair on nearly every part of my body (except my chest. damnit!)

too much hair can be a bad a thing. just look at sasquatch. he let his locks get a little out of control and now he's exiled from civilization. sure there are some perks to that. he gets to be naked and go to the bathroom wherever he wants, but we all do that sometimes. it's called being drunk. so really when it comes to hair, less is more.

I believe the term "hairy situation" was first used when someone got into a bad situation with the Italian mafia.

no one should ever get picked on because of their hair. hair does not make the man. just look at all the great men in history. none are remembered only because of their hair. you'll never hear someone say, "yeah, he freed the slaves blah blah blah, what's really important is how much armpit hair Abe Lincoln had". although if Lincoln had a mullet our pennies and one dollar bills would definitely be ruined. all freeing the slaves in the front, but all party in the back!

that's about all I have to say. enjoy picturing Abe Lincoln as a Nascar fan.

Sight

My first topical humorous exploration (as Columbus would have called it) hope you enjoy:

If sight is ever taken away from someone they usually remember all the good things they miss seeing. sunsets, flowers, the faces of loved ones. however, if I were ever blinded I would try to be positive and remember all the bad things I won't have to see anymore. like fanny packs, mullets, and Crocs (anyone who wears these should be fed to crocodiles, for shear irony and delight for those who witness it). there could of course be a downside to this. douchebags are something you would normally be happy to not have to see anymore, but the most effective way to avoid a douchebag is to spot one from a distance and keep safely away from them. how could you do that if you have no sight? you would have to resort mostly to smell for this. which isn't quite as effective.

also, if you get an eye poked out somehow, don't get an eye patch. I'm sure your friends would love it because they would get to pretend they were friends with a pirate from then on, but there is a downside. an eye patch makes it very difficult to get and keep a job. there are not many employers wanting employees who are giving off that James Bond villain vibe. it's bad for morale. you don't want this to happen:
"I'm sorry Bill, but we're gonna have to let you go. here at Denny's we can't have our servers frightening the customers. that eye patch is scaring people when you serve grand slams. plus you never notice when someone is ready to order on the left side of the room."

not to mention if you get an eye patch getting a cat is pretty much out of the question. unless you want all your dinner guests to giggle uncontrollably while you pet it.

some people regain sight after losing it. others gain it for the first time because of a medical procedure. if that ever happened to me I'd have to have some fun with my family when I could first see and looked at them for the first time.
"Oh God! That's what you people look like?! what am I then? Good Lord!!" (complete with grimaces and a scared look on my face)

Ok, I can see you're getting tired of this subject. so that is where I'll conclude. sight is wonderful though. cherish it.

Challenging Myself

I find that I am not satisfied exactly with how skilled (or rather unskilled) of a writer I am at this point. so what I am going to do is challenge myself in order to hopefully make me a better writer/comedian. I am going to pick a topic with no pre-existing material or ideas pertaining to that topic and try to write as much material (humorous) as I can about it.

I am not sure if this will be a failure or enjoyable for you to read, but I was thinking i would post the results on each topic on my blog to see what you think. I am hoping it will improve my ability to be creative, notice small details, and think things out. which will in turn make me a better writer. hope you enjoy what i write in the future.

chal⋅lenge

–noun
5. difficulty in a job or undertaking that is stimulating to one engaged in it.

Take a Breath

It's easy to get pulled into politics. the shouting matches. the lies. the grudge matches that often seem to occur between democrat loyalists and republican loyalists. they happen on tv 24 hours a day and saturate the internet. I have found myself getting caught up in them. angry, flustered, and with a pounding headache.

but I think it's important that we don't let these politicians ruin life. we shouldn't let their agendas poison our lives. just take a breath and look at something like this


if someone falls down don't be afraid to laugh because he's black and you might be called a racist, or because he's white and you might be accused of reverse racism. laugh because it's funny. if I fall, I want others to laugh. at least someone should feel good because of my face hitting tile floor, even if I don't at the time.

turn off the cable news every once and a while and just put those bugles snacks on your each of your fingers and pretend your a witch. "I'll get you my pretty, and you're little dog too!!HAHAHA!"

I'm not saying don't participate in politics all together. vote. know what's happening. but don't let it kill you. don't let it kill your sense of humor. without a sense of humor there are things people can't get through. with it, see if you can break me.

MonaLisaBall

Slamball. ever heard of it? if you haven't you're missing out. because it's indeed as awesome as the description of it sounds. it's like basketball on trampolines and you can hit people.

if God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th then that's impressive....but he didn't come up with basketball on trampolines! i think Jesus Christ is in heaven thinking, "I turned water into wine, but i wish i had come up with Slamball. THEN everyone would have known i was the son of God."

Slamball is the greatest achievement of this era. it's like this generation's Mona Lisa. it's beautiful, elegant, and i believe a national treasure. in fact i'm so thrilled with basketball on trampolines i think we should have other sports on them. bowling on trampolines (could be messy and dangerous, but still amazing). baseball on trampolines would be exciting ("and he hits a high fly ball, it lands just behind 2nd base and...it bounces out of the park for a homerun!"). i would say diving with trampolines instead of water but i doubt we could get anyone to sign the necessary forms. there would be a lot of neck injuries.

if by my description and praise you don't believe this sport is a national triumph similar to the moon landing then watch this video. and i hope you're already wearing a diaper because you'll probably piss yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ouXw328WYI

Pearl

wow. my fake end of the world counter was supposed to be fun, but now it just reminds me of how quickly i'm dying...but i digress.

i recently read Born Standing Up by Steve Martin and as everyone who has read it and maybe a few who haven't but want to sound smart has said, it's a great read. i read it on a two week vacation i went on. because my life of tv watching and videogames can get quite stressful (not to mention the thumb cramps! oh God!!).

i stayed at my grandmother's house. she is not willing to pay 16 bucks a month for cable. i guess when you're ninety years old and lived through the great depression and everything you can get away with that.

i am about to start college in around a month. some people have been concerned i might binge drink when i get there. don't worry. i'm not stupid. i'm gonna stick to black tar heroin.
...so no need to worry.

and in a somewhat related story, the title for this is in fact a reference to the Janis Joplin album of the same name.
free love man. keep groovin'.

Senators Gone Wild

Spitzer, Craig, and now Sanford. it's amazing how freaky(and unfaithful) our senators can be. i don't know exactly what this means for the state of South Carolina. who do they call mom? Sanford's wife or the girl from Argentina? oh a state in turmoil. it's like Jon & Kate plus eight all over again!


let's play a game, inspired by all this senator sex. it's called "which senator will get caught in a sex scandal next?"

personally i have my money on Senator Byrd



honestly, what woman could resist his wrinkly, arthiritic white man charm? look at him already raising his fist in sexual triumph. that's a man satisfied. if not by sex, maybe by Matlock. either way he's victorious.

CNN

i think it's common opinion that Fox News is the right wing, conservative news channel on cable tv. on the opposite side i think CNN is the liberal, left wing, democratic news channel. not because their reporting is unfair or biased, but because only a liberal news channel could get away with doing an entire week of special reports on weed in America. like CNN did this week.

yeah, while you're in your so called "no spin zone" reporting news stories that are relevant and fair, Bill O'Reilly, Anderson Cooper is in a pharmacy that sells green tea with cannabis in it. still care that your ratings are apparently better, Bill? i know Anderson doesn't because he's too busy listening to Zeppelin albums in his basement to care.

i really think CNN's news reporting has slightly suffered though because of this week long special coverage of marijuana in America. especially when i saw that one of their top stories the other day was about a new Doritos flavor coming out next year. it seems like Iran would be a bigger story wouldn't it?

when it comes to hemp, CNN is coverage you can count on.

Coffee

coffee is my new best friend (sorry awkwardness). i had a full cup of coffee for the first time this morning and i have to say, i think i have superpowers. i know i don't actually, but i feel so aware and awake i kinda feel like i do. this is probably how rip van winkle felt after he finally woke up after all those years. only i don't have leaves in my long luxurious white beard (i also don't have a white beard).

anyway, i am feeling invincible and will probably go play in traffic on the highway after i am done posting this. don't worry i'll be fine. i have coffee to protect me. then after highway playtime i may provoke a pack of wild wolves. they'll never catch while i'm on coffee.

to say the least this will not be the last time i drink coffee. something tells me this will lead to some sort of intervention.

The Hasselhoff

i have been watching old David Hasselhoff music videos for the past 10 or 15 minutes on youtube. funny, the only place he is slightly accepted as a musician is Germany. you know i realize that the Nazis were horrible and did a lot of horrible things to many people from different countries. but i have to say, if we gave them Hasselhoff. we're pretty much even now aren't we?

you gave us the nazis, we gave you Hasselhoff. payback's a bitch isn't it Germany?

i am thinking we send the Jonas Brothers over there too. i know, Obama said we don't torture anymore, but we have to send them somewhere. and the only other options that i am behind are Iran or North Korea. but i thought we were trying to avoid war with both of them, so that won't work.

sorry Germany. what has to be done, has to be done. tell you what, if it'll make you feel better. we'll pretend we like soccer.

Picture Me

now all one of the people that may be reading this blog on a regular basis could be wondering why there is no picture of me. or for some reason might want a picture of me. well i am not going to post one. not really because i am afraid of what might happen if i post my picture on the internet for everyone to see, but i really just don't have a picture of myself i particularly like. i don't get in many pictures and the ones i am in i look drunk/high even though i am neither.

besides i recently began growing fabulous facial hair in the form of a moustache and chin hair which is not displayed in any picture i have which i could post on here. my moustache makes me feel like Magnum P.I. when in reality it probably makes me look more like a homeless guy or a heroin addict. either way i'm keeping it. due to school policy i haven't been allowed to grow one since i have been able to. i must express my hairy freedom. i believe George Washington would want me to.

since i will not post a picture of myself please enjoy this picture of an ape choking Mark Wahlberg instead.

Moving Out

recently i helped my sister move out of her apartment. which i like a lot more than moving in to an apartment. moving in to an apartment feels like you are showcasing all your stuff to the thieves in the area. "hey here's all our stuff come steal it sometime. look we have a 32 inch tv, come by and rob us of it if you can find the time, in your busy schedule of robbing."

but the moment that was odd to me was at one point when i was about to load the "ab rocket" into the car, my sister told me to wait until later. as if someone would come by and steal the ab rocket when we weren't looking.

yeah because there are so many thieves worried about their abs. "no dude forget the jewelry store, we gotta steal that ab rocket. you know how insecure i feel about my abs. we have to steal that!"

i guess i forgot that ruthless criminals have physical insecurities too.

Welcome...Make Yourself At Cyber Home

well this is my blog. i don't know how often i will post in this but i can't help but want a blog for some reason. i have had a few before but they turned into something i really didn't enjoy posting in. this one will hopefully be better written and much smarter than those other ones. but most importantly i will be more open and maybe more thoughtful.

i was just a stupid kid when i wrote those other ones, now i am a slightly less stupid kid writing this one.

i don't know if anyone will read this but i don't really care. it's therapeutic for me to write. it's also nice knowing there is a possibility my writing is read by someone, somewhere. if you do read this (my blog, not necessarily this post) please feel free to comment. good, bad, or indifferent, it is good to hear feedback.

oh, and if you do plan on commenting you might want to hurry, according to the countdown clock the end of the world is coming in 772 days. sure i pulled the date for the end of the world completely out of my ass, but you never know. maybe my ass is psychic.